There have been many forms of belief and takes on reality and not every Joe Blow has one since many are sheep and a few are leaders. Here is my foray into leader of a new cult. I figured L. Ron Hubbard wrote a bunch of science fiction and turned into a money-making and profitable business — oops, I mean, religion — so why can’t we all? Well, the answer is obvious. You all can’t be leaders. Someone has to give your profits — uh, I mean prophets, of course — all your money, so anyone reading this don’t get any ideas about starting your own religion until you after you’ve given me your tithe.
I can assure you, right here and now, that I totally believe this. Unequivocally. And you know I mean it since I just used a six-syllable word.
That is until I change my mind when the bill collectors show up when I’ve squandered all your givings on gambling, drink, drugs and hot men for hire. And by men I mean, of course, women, because I’m totally straight and have a loving wife and kids that I hired as my beard with the money you gave me to bring you enlightenment.
Oh, yes, the enlightenment you will want to pay for…
My children, you are not who you think you are. Yes, you have your body and a mind barely used, but it is all a shell to be manipulated by ethereal beings called, um, Invaders. NO! That’s too malevolent and scary — like the Spaghetti Monster. Let’s call them Vapors or Toms for reasons that will become apparent soon enough. Imagine if you will, my clueless ones, that your body is a wall separating you from a steamy, moist locker room filled with the naked writhing bodies of the gender of your choice. There are two eye holes drilled through the wall which are your eyes for Vapors. That’s right, Vapors, or what you might consider your soul are merely Peeping Toms looking at what is perceived as reality. This explains why your vision is so limited. Your skull is basically a glory hole.
But why do they peer at our lives like so much darkened adult bookstore voyeurism? The answer is simple, o my ignorant: entertainment. Yes, they merely peer and manipulate us to watch the silliness that we have come to believe is human nature. To them, we are a giant reality show and as our ‘civilization’ has grown we, as their vessels, become more and more like Toms thus the reason reality television has become such a huge hit and refuses to die. We are becoming one with them, which is why my Tom has revealed the truth to me. It will not tell me what they call themselves since that would take away from their entertainment when we call them something lame like a poltergeist or holy spirit or.. uh… a Tom.
Now comes the time where we must spread the word of this truth, so why not give a few dollars for your enlightenment. This will also help others become illuminated and then harvested in a crop of acolytes? Your donation is NOT tax-deductible and, by giving, you absolve me of any wrong-doing. In fact, by giving me your money, you are simply kissing it goodbye with no hope of every seeing it again. Now what religion is THAT honest? None. You see, this is indeed the truth. Besides, once you are accepted into the fold, you can use your Tom as an excuse for anything strange or embarrassing that you. I mean, that your Tom MAKES you do, of course.
The Church Of Toms is simply A truth and not necessarily THE truth, but it certainly isn’t the lie of alien spirits taking control of us. What a load! Also please remember, my elite, if I offer you a fruit-flavored kids’ beverage, DON’T drink it. Jeez! Please leave any questions you may have in the comments section and I shall come up with some convoluted and logic-defying answer thus ensuring that the Church Of Toms becomes as hypocritical as soon as possible to received that soon-to-be-needed nonprofit status.
Listening to: New Religion – Duran Duran
The picture used is borrowed from Joe Sayers, who is a great comic artist. Check out his stuff.