Dear Blog

Dear Blog,

I write this to you out of concern. It seems of late that this relationship has been more work than it should be. Yes, I think you’re beautiful and you make me laugh, but it seems that’s all you’re willing to give to me. I slave to keep you secure in the lifestyle to which you’ve become accustomed, but when all the work is one-sided, I have to say something.

I apologize for writing a letter and not speaking to you face-to-face, but I wanted to make sure you understood what I’m saying without emotion getting in the way. You know how your callous nature and occasion lack of hits brings me to tears. No, no, to paraphrase David Soul, “I won’t give up on us, baby,” but something has got to change. All these words between us? They are mine and never yours. It’s starting to upset me. I would just like once to be able to take it easy and when I’m tapped out on ideas for you to take up the slack and do something yourself.

The love I feel for us has grown and I want that to continue, but I feel the constant pressure to build you up and all you do is eat a bonbon every time I hit publish; yet, you still get all the glory. “Oooo, look what The Web Pen Blog did!” “Did you see what The Web Pen Blog was wearing today? It was divine!” “That Web Pen Blog is so smart and sophisticated. I don’t know WHY he hangs around that Howard guy.”

I know they are just words, but they hurt because we are so close — almost to the point of being each other. I know you got jealous when I started to hang around with The Monkey Blog and Waking Up With Morning Song, but — honestly — you are my main bitch. Those other two are just friends and that’s all we’ll ever be. It’s you, babe. You are my inspiration. Well, there was Ann Coulter that one time, but it didn’t mean anything! I was just trying to make a point and besides you agreed to it. You wanted to “expand our horizons” and “add some additional flavor” to our relationship and for a time it worked. You got lots of the attention you love, but I can’t keep giving to your spotlight addiction. You have to give something back even if it’s just an occasional idea.

That’s all I’m asking. You can’t just sit there with that smart-ass look on your face as I struggle to keep you growing from the foundation we both laid down. I need you to stop mocking me and belittling me whenever my ideas are flaccid and just won’t work especially in front of our friends. Well, they are your friends now. They don’t return my phone calls anymore. Why do you have to be so cruel? I realize that our modern-day blogging society has certain strict relationship standards and that the divorce rate among our kind can be high; however, we’ve only been at this for almost a year-and-a-half and I need you to stop being a prat — for the sake of our readers at least.

Yours until I can no longer afford the hosting,
Howard

Thanks, Kevin, for the writers’ block breaking idea. No, you can’t have Blog’s phone number.

Listening to: Ain’t No Way To Treat A Lady – Helen Reddy